Riccardo Tisci and Kim Kardashian attend the Mademoiselle C cocktail party at Pavillon Ledoyen in Paris. Picture: Getty Images Source: Getty Images
TALK about how to make a tit of yourself.
Where in God's name did this trend come from? Just when any sensible woman thought it was safe to go to the shops again - applauding the return of the mid-length skirt, low-heel and baggy T-shirts - our celebrity sisters decide it's the perfect time to wop their boobs out in public.
Last week Kim Kardashian attended a party in Paris in what can only be described as part of a Givenchy gown.
Cut almost to the navel and skimming the nipples of her struggling-to-be contained substantial assets, it also featured bonus cut-away panels so we all thoroughly understood she was sporting zero items of underwear on her tandoori-tanned body.
Kardashian has worked her figure back into its signature pneumatic state, four months after the birth of her baby North, and no doubt her mission was to advertise to the world that Kim Kardashian Inc was well and truly back.
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I just think the world didn't need to see quite so much of her to get the message.
Compare her red carpet look to that of similar new mum, Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, who chose a floor-length Jenny Packham gown to make her formal post-baby body re-entrance to the world last month.
One looked sophisticated, elegant and beautiful. The other deserved some alternative adjectives.
But before we lay the trash talk firmly at the feet of Kardashian, she wasn't alone. Oh no, this was an extreme cleavage pandemic.
Miranda Keer arrives for the Stella McCartney show in Paris. Picture Splash Source: Supplied
Also up was our very own Miranda Kerr. On a shopping trip to the Chanel store after a Paris fashion show on Monday, the normally uber-chic supermodel eschewed her usual floaty peasant tops and jeans and decided that the optimum outfit she could wear would be a mid-length white silk dropped-waist Stella McCartney dress. Lovely.
Apart from the fact that it was slashed open to her ribs and taped to her bare boobs.
I don't know about you, but last time I popped to Zara I kept my top on. I find it much less draughty.
It girl Cara Delevingne joined in the game with a jumpsuit open to the bellybutton at the same Parisian party as Kardashian (they must have got the breast is best memo), Vogue Nippon's Anna Dello Russo went low-cut at Miu Miu and, not to be left out, Gwyneth Paltrow popped out her still-pert pair in a black tuxedo, for a Hugo Boss advert in LA.
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It's not just a celebrity affliction - there are plenty of overly confident women in Sydney who like a free boob on a night out.
Presumably they think their chest is marvellous and it's a super-sexy look to let it all hang free of an evening.
But they don't appreciate it's very inconsiderate to the poor person who ends up standing next to Free Boob Woman.
Just as you go to greet them you spot the roaming charges and fleeting panic sets in. You're then forced to adopt a rictus grin with wild eyes that MUST NOT LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION.
It's harder than it seems.
And whether Free Boob Woman happens to be a CEO or a NASA scientist, it's really very hard to discuss politics with her when she's brought two naked gatecrashers to the conversation.
Three really is a crowd.
British model Cara Delevingne poses for photographers as she arrives at a charity dinner in Rio de Janeiro. Picture: AP Source: AP
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